I am not a lawyer, LPC, or LMFT so this article is only me talking, after a lifetime of mistakes, reflection, and hopefully, learning. Spending months or years looking back after a failed marriage with self-doubt, guilt, shame, frustration and bitterness has no profit. No profit for you and no profit for anyone else. This is my attempt to help you deal with it, learn from it, and put it behind you. Most of my thoughts and ideas come from Dr. Willard Harley’s book His Needs Her Needs and I strongly recommend you read this book: It has been a life-changer for me.
There are two overall concepts I’d like you to grasp. The first is a reinforcement of what you already know. Men and women are very different; maybe even more different than we realized. In terms of genetics, females have two X chromosomes and males one X and one Y chromosome. The X chromosome is much larger and has 155,000,000 DNA building blocks on it. So the female has a double dose of the X chromosome which results in her having more resistance to many diseases and maladies. At least seven diseases are found predominantly or exclusively in males (color blindness and hemophilia to name two).Women are generally more gifted in intuition, perception and communication(Women speak about 28,000 words per day, men about 12,000). As a result of these genetics and in addition strong cultural influences, women have very different needs as compared to men. When we assume that our partner has needs similar to our own, and attempt to meet those needs in our marriage, we waste emotional energy and miss the mark. People who find their needs unmet often become thoughtless and inconsiderate and their marriages slide into ugly and destructive scenes with pain for all.
Before we look at the specific needs of the two sexes, let me introduce the other basic concept from Dr. Harley. It is the idea of the Love Bank. In our interaction with each other person we meet, we have positive or negative feelings. Pleasing interactions add love units, small, medium, or large, to that person’s account in our Love Bank. During the courtship phase of our relationship with our spouse with the long lunches, poetry, music, and deep-into-the-night telephone calls, huge deposits are made into their account in our Love Bank. We will refer to the Love Bank in this essay and later write a separate essay spelling out the things we do to empty the bank.
So what are the needs generally of women and men? The woman’s five basic needs according to Dr. Harley are:
- Affection
- Conversation
- Honesty and Openness
- Financial Support
- Family Commitment
And Men’s Needs
- Sexual Fulfillment
- Recreational Companionship
- An attractive spouse
- Domestic Support
- Admiration
These categories will not apply to everyone, and where they do apply, they may impact to a greater or lesser degree, but let’s take a brief look at each one.
A Woman’s Number 1 Need – Affection:
This is the Can’t Do Without need for most women. Affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval, critical commodities to women. Most women love to hug. They hug each other, they hug children, animals, relatives, even stuffed teddy bears. For many men affection is synonymous with foreplay and sex. They do not understand it to be a stand – alone experience. As a result, the woman sometimes feels disillusioned and used. Men have to learn, or be taught in open communication with their wives, that her acts of affection do not necessarily mean that she is open to sexual intercourse. Affection is so important to women that it is difficult to give them too much. If they don’t get that need filled by their husband, they may eventually look elsewhere to find it.
A Man’s Number 1 Need – Sexual Fulfillment:
Sexual intercourse is a driving visceral instinct for most men. It is his Can’t Do Without emotional need. At times he may appear to be a grasping pawing animal of lust. Closer to the truth is that he is driven with such intensity that it is embarrassing to him and somewhat like being under water and coming to the surface gasping for air. When a man commits to marriage, he is exclusively dependent on his wife to meet this need for a lifetime. If she doesn’t, he may think that the marriage is the biggest mistake of his life and eventually look elsewhere to get this need addressed. If he fails to meet her need for affection and she then withdraws from sexual expression, as so often happens, the time bomb starts ticking and the marriage is in trouble.
A Woman’s Number 2 Need – Conversation:
During the courtship phase of the relationship couples spend enormous amounts of time together. Often they are inseparable. They are coming to know each other thoroughly through conversation and expressing interest and affection. The late night telephone calls, the five hour lunches, and all the other forms of togetherness lead to an ever deepening emotional bond of intimacy and happiness. Their Love Banks fill up. Conversation at this time is frequent, voluminous and extremely important. After the marriage, the couple gets caught up in the humdrum of ordinary life – work demands – babies – money problems – dirty socks. Energy goes in other directions and intimacy suffers. Conversation is another area where the genders differ. Many women will spend countless hours on the phone talking to their friends. They talk not only about their activities, kids, and husbands but also about how they feel about these and other things. Men on the other hand seldom call each other without a specific issue to discuss or purpose: they don’t call just to catch up or chat. Women had a lot of conversation with their husbands during courtship, miss it, and need it. Dr. Harley’s research indicates that fifteen hours per week in husband and wife one – on – one conversation is necessary to maintain a healthy marriage. Few of us measure up to that standard. Without adequate time together, women lose the sense of intimacy that they crave and the Love Bank account goes down. Worse yet -lacking conversation and time, the warm atmosphere and deep physical relationship each partner needs cannot be maintained.
A Man’s Number 2 Need – Recreational Companionship:
In the early days of the relationship, most women find themselves hunting, fishing, attending sports activities, playing cards or other forms of sharing the man’s recreational activities. They do this out of an intense desire to be together and to please their man. After the marriage many women find their interest reduced and urge their husband to engage in the wife’s activities (shopping cultural events) or to go with other men and continue their hobby without the wife’s participation. However, after some time when the man withdraws from the family to go with his buddies, the wife becomes resentful. Her view changes. Now she feels that there is only limited time available for entertainment and vacations and the husband should spend his time with his family not his friends. This results in withdrawals from both Love Banks. This is another example of expectations set during courtship dissipating into disappointment and disharmony.
A Woman’s Number 3 Need – Honesty and Openness:
All five of women’s needs have, as a basis, a need for security. If a husband is not open and honest with her, he undermines her trust and eventually her security. Here are three kinds of lying husbands.
- Born Liars- He consistently fabricates stories even of a minor nature. Most will not change and will eventually kill her trust and security.
- Avoid Trouble Liar – When a large problem comes up or he feels pressured, he lies to duck the heat. A wife can usually encourage her husband away from this habit by addressing problems calmly.
- The Protector Liar – Facing a financial crisis or health issue he covers it up with a mind set of helping his wife to avoid pain. When the problem comes to light, as it usually must, the woman’s trust is shattered. Even if the lie stays buried, the tension, guilt and pressure that he feels is sensed by his wife and she doesn’t understand why. The husband must present himself as he truly is, then she can adjust, negotiate, and draw closer to him.
A Man’s Need Number 3- An Attractive Spouse:
Beauty in our culture is a highly valued trait – maybe overvalued. Pretty women are highly favored and actresses and celebrities are often chosen and required to maintain it to flourish. Many a man has chosen a wife primarily on looks and regretted it later. A man with a need for an attractive wife feels good whenever he looks at her. If a woman marries while young and attractive but later gives up makeup, gains eighty pounds, and dresses sloppily, her account in his Love Bank will reflect poorly. It is one of those things in life that is not fair but it is what it is. Life itself is not fair. It favors the young, the pretty, the wise, the witty, the wealthy, the wicked, the Anglo, and the male among other things. It is however very predictable.
A Woman’s Number 4 Need – Financial Support:
Most women want their husband to earn enough money to support them at least at the same level as their fathers did when growing up. Most men don’t have this need. If his income is enough to pay the bills he usually feels quite content if she earns little or nothing. By contrast, rare is the woman who is content supporting her husband. Usually, If the husband is unemployed for an extended period of time, her discontent mounts and trouble is not far away.
A Man’s Number 4 Need – Domestic Support:
Most men need to feel that their wife handles the household and the children in an organized and efficient manner. His desire for her to “take care of things” especially him, is widespread, persistent and deep. In our culture too often the wife works full time and does 85% of the domestic chores, the majority of the child care and he is content to watch three football games over the weekend. The sharing of home related tasks should be negotiated to the satisfaction of both.
A Woman’s Number 5 Need– Family Commitment:
The wife has a stark need for a strong family unit including her parents, her siblings, and her children. So strong is this desire that she often will take the lead with his family as well. Also, women instinctively know that a father has profound influence on the moral values and behavior of his children’s development. In addition to spending 50 hours pursuing work, 15 hours in undistracted time with spouse, quality family time is also required. Family meals, board games, and reading to the children are examples of quality family time.
A Man’s Need Number 5- Admiration:
All men’s lives show that a man simply thrives on a woman’s admiration. For without it their confidence erodes and their success crumbles. A man knows that he is vulnerable to his wife’s complaining, nagging and criticism. It is the most frequent complaint voiced by divorcing husbands.
When people come to understand their own needs, it allows them to not only know but to ask for what they want rather than requiring their spouse to guess. And when people come to understand the needs of their spouses, they can focus on the real target, meeting those needs rather than assuming that their needs match the spouses and missing the mark. After a failed marriage, many folks spend countless hours, months, or years rehashing faults – their own and spouses. Don’t do it. Learn these dynamics: There will be a next time.