Divorce is incredibly hurtful – experts say second only in life’s painful experiences to the death of a child. And while the parents are struggling with their own emotional survival, the children find their world, the world of family, collapsing. Adding to the emotional devastation of the parent are several radical changes frequently taking place simultaneously with the divorce – searching for a job or a new job, adjusting to new and frightening financial conditions, going back to school, experiencing rejection from friends and family, just to name a few. The children as the divorce process begins, need additional nurturing, comforting, energy, and supervision. So the vulnerable parent has less energy for parenting the child who desperately needs more. This scary thought adds to other scary thoughts in the parent’s mind – Will the child still love me? Will we make it financially? Will they be among the 30% of divorced children who have long term emotional damage? Will I find another companion?
On the brighter side however, there are two good things we can heavily influence or control; your relationship with the child and your child’s future – their relationships, self-esteem and joy.
Let’s take a look at the number one mistake divorced parents make and plan how to avoid it: Denigrating – Maligning or Bad-Mouthing your co-parent
Here are several examples of this:
- The parent responds negatively, verbally or non-verbally, to the child when the other parent says or does something that parent doesn’t like.
- The parent says negative things about the other parent’s new spouse.
- The parent tries to make the child feel guilty about spending time with the other parent.
- The parent says critical things about the other parent on the phone talking with friends or family while the child is within earshot.
The child is hurt by these behaviors because they are 50% Mommy and 50% Daddy at their core and you are injuring a part of that core. Also, It adds to the stress in their lives. The result of these parental behaviors is that the child’s ability to feel safe and secure and to love either parent is diminished.
Sometimes a parent will attempt to eliminate or minimize the time spent with the other parent as a power play, to punish the other parent, or simply for their own emotional comfort and convenience. This can create an emotional void in the child which is extremely detrimental. You have a huge self – interest in the future of your former spouse: you need the very best father/mother you can get for your child.
Let go of your resentment. Give it to God. Every time you slip and catch yourself denigrating your co-parent, firmly resolve to say two complimentary things to your child about them. Remember, “Resentment is like taking your own poison and expecting the other person to die.”