One of the ways a man aspires to be successful is in his role as father. When a man has a child who struggles to perform reasonably well in life (boozing, drugging, wife beating, child abusing -6200 documented cases of child abuse were reported in Tarrant County in 2015), it is a major source of disappointment, embarrassment, and perhaps even shame. Moms of course are critically important. They nurture, comfort, and give unconditional love to their kids, all vital needs of children but dads are important too. As we examine adult children, they often look like Dad, talk like Dad, walk like Dad, use the same expressions, and enjoy similar success. I had a good Dad and I would like to think I have been a pretty good dad myself. Maybe – maybe not, but for sure I have learned a lot of things about what good dads do. Let’s examine eight traits of good dads.
- Actively Expressing Love:
Tell Them – If we don’t express our love to kids daily as they make mistakes and as they experience life’s disappointments, they lose confidence in themselves. The scriptures tell us to encourage one another. We all need daily encouragement – children especially. It’s like a party balloon; if you leave it alone long enough, it will run down. Or it’s like a cell phone; it needs daily charging. Words are important, most of our ceremonies are built around the verbal, but men traditionally are not big talkers as compared to women (Men speak about 12,000 words per day, women about 28,000 words per day on average). We need to improve on verbalizing our love, our kids need it.
Touch Them – Behavior scientists report that the French touch each other while engaging in normal conversation nine times more frequently than Americans. When we consider in addition, their custom of double cheek kissing of friends and family it seems clear that this is true. Touching the children adds a physical dimension to our communication with them. Hugging has long been common in women. They hug kids, they hug friends, they hug animals, and they hug Teddy Bears. Not so with most males. However, my fondest memories of my father at age 4 or 5 is when after a family outing Dad would carry me piggyback style to the car as I drifted into sleep, secure in my father’s arms. Give your kids oodles of loving touches.
Show Them: As the child sees big strong Dad interacting affectionately with Mom, with friends, with animals, it shows by example what behavior is OK and gives the child permission to do likewise. They will scrutinize how Dad treats Mom and will someday treat their spouse similarly. Giving your family the gift of attention is a great idea. As Jim Rohn, the millionaire philosopher, used to say,”Wherever you are, be there.” If you are having supper with the family, shut down the TV, turn off the cell phone, set aside your work documents. If you do not, then you convey to them that these other things are more important than they are. Remember when you were tiny? Remember when dad climbed up in bed and read from a story book or told the story of the three bears? Remember when you fell asleep to the sound of your dad’s voice. Have any small children? You loved the experience and they will love it too. Time with the kids is necessary for their emotional health and growth. Turn off the TV. Play some games. Take them somewhere.
- Spiritual Leadership:
In our society we do pretty well with education and we do pretty well with work ethic. Although many are over – weight, there are plenty of gyms around, but encouraging a full meaningful spiritual life is a shortfall for most of us. We all know it is important, but somehow it is allowed to slide behind sports, and a lot of other things. If the father sets a good example, teaches and acts out the importance of practicing his faith, then the kids will come around sooner or later.
- Finances:
Historically fathers have been the senior provider of the family. Men place a high priority on their jobs- often too high. But dads are expected to assure the roof, food, and clothing basics. In divorce the dads usually pay the child support and courts give a dim view to dads when they don’t pay it as ordered. Financial support is listed by Dr. Willard Harley in his book, “His Needs Her Needs” as one of a woman’s top five basic emotional needs. Kids need the solid security of Dad providing the necessities also. When a man is unemployed for a considerable period of time, the cracks in the marriage and family structure are usually not far behind. Men feel good about themselves when they provide. My dad liked to buy vegetables by the case so we wouldn’t run out. I will make a special trip to the grocery if we run out of certain peculiar items including catsup. But in addition to providing, dads teach the value of money and set standards by how they themselves prioritize and spend money. When I was young, my dad said, “As your age goes up, your privileges and responsibilities go up.” My allowance went up each year and my chores became more challenging. Dad also demonstrated generosity to me. As a teenager in my time dating was common. When leaving on a date, I would check out with Mom and Dad, and he would always ask if I had my wallet, my handkerchief and enough money. If short of cash, he often gave me a few bucks. Good dads teach good financial skills.
- Recreational Companion:
Billy Crystal the comedian and Doris Kearns Goodwin the historian, both speak fondly about their youth when they went to Yankee baseball games with their dads and learned the game at his knee. Many a person reports that they learned to love fishing, hunting, card playing, chess, golf, or some other game from Dad. Vacations are a good time to bond with the kids and to teach them. One author said it like this, “Kids are like wet cement. You can leave a lasting impression in them but you can’t wait too long to do it”. My youngest daughter Olivia and I used to go to Cowboy football games, just the two of us. We would go without tickets and enter into some last minute bargaining with the street vendors. It was always a wild time. She still talks about it.
- Supplying a Vision:
Children see the now with its demands and pressures more clearly than the future. And they see themselves primarily as they are now with their current limitations. It takes some maturity for kids to foresee how things might become. Dads can help the kids to envision a bright tomorrow and future possibilities. They do it with victory stories, stories of men and women who have overcome limitations to become successful. Abraham Lincoln, Helen Keller, and George Washington Carver are just a few examples. When I was a freshman in college, I decided to run for Vice president of the class. My dad said no, why not run for class president? I did and won and had a great time that year. Dad let me borrow his larger vision for me that I couldn’t yet see.
- Providing Discipline:
A generation or two ago, it was common for dads to exercise a veto power over family decisions. Times have changed somewhat, but it is still not unusual for dads to be the messenger of bad news especially discipline. Moms give comfort, nurturing, and unconditional love but often times it is Dad who is called on for ‘the heavy stuff’. When a child is born, the parents for some time supply 100% of the needs of the child and 100% of the decision making. The term dictator comes to mind. As the child ages, the balance of authority swings toward the child until the parents are, for the most part, advisors or coaches. One of the difficult parts of parenting is to know when to intervene, when to discipline, and how hard. Dads have a vital role in supplying the example and administering appropriate discipline.
- Promoting Education:
Moms and dads both promote education. We have all heard the stories of moms scrubbing floors to allow kids to get through school. Dads too can promote the value of knowledge, schooling, reading and informal education. Winston Churchill, Abe Lincoln, and Sam Houston all became well educated by personal study long after their school years were over. Dads can be a large part of a child’s early education by reading to the child daily. Bonding takes place along with illustrating to the child that reading is important. As the child gets older, dads can help with homework and later be involved in college selection. All of us know of cultures (Indian, Chinese, Jewish) where parents require excellence in school. When my dad was 83, I stopped by the house one day to find him reading the “S” volume of the encyclopedia. I inquired as to what he was looking up. (This was before Google.) He allowed that he wasn’t looking up anything, he was just reading it. When I asked why he started with the “S” volume, you guessed it; he said no he started with “A”. He was a man of intellectual curiosity which helped me value learning and knowledge.
- Teaching Life:
One of the most important roles of a dad is as a teacher to his kids. Dads don’t usually teach academics, they teach the unwritten and unspoken rules of life. Dads teach about risk. Athletics have physical risk. Dads (along with moms) take note of the risk, evaluate the degree of risk and coach the child in how to avoid or minimize the risk. If you play baseball you will sooner or later get hit by the ball, both in the field and at bat. But my dad cautioned me to always know where the ball is: always keep it in the corner of your eye – always. When my kids were young, one day they were jumping off the roof repeatedly, seeking excitement. My wife urged me to go out and make them quit jumping. I decided to go outside and teach them how to “hit and roll”. Bigotry is taught or taught to be avoided. Cheating is taught by example or taught to be avoided. How to treat women is taught. How to manage anger is taught. How to think through a problem or situation is taught. Accepting work as virtuous and a privilege is taught. One pundit quipped. “If you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.” Teaching a young boy how to be a man is predominately the job of his dad. The divorcing dad has a special challenge. While he is healing from the second most painful experience in life (death of a child being first) and may be depositing energy into a new romantic relationship, he is exceedingly vulnerable. At this very time his kids are adjusting to the new family structure. While he has less energy for them, they need more.
We’ve looked at eight traits of a good Dad. I was blessed to know the love of wonderful parents, to feel the warmth of a father’s embrace, and the smile of a dad who was proud of his kids. I found my identity in the breath of his love. To be a good father requires time, energy, persistence, and occasionally sacrifice. One thing for sure, you never hear a man in the twilight of life say he wishes he had spent more time working and less time with the kids.
Blessings,
Jerry Cosby
Divorce Mediator
jerry@texasmediationgroup.com