Introduction: Because divorce is a major step in a person’s life that has lifelong implications for several generations, it is important to consider the reasons, costs, and consequences. Since marital conflict is so emotionally charged and causes us to lose our perspective, it is tempting to end the marriage without looking carefully at all the issues. Wisdom suggests a thorough analysis of the reasoning for and against divorce.
- What do I hope to gain by divorcing?
How will divorce improve my life? Is it my spouse I want to escapmy children, my family, or my responsibilities? Am I thinking I can trade this mundane life for the dream of an exciting single life? Is it really me that needs changing? Am I in the midst of a mid-life crisis where tears come easily and resentment is in full bloom? Searching out the real reason will be enlightening and helpful.
- How accurate is my picture of life after divorce?
Some people picture divorce as the grand entrance to a glorious fun filled life. Those who have been there find the grass really is not greener.
Nights alone, less money, sharing the kids, abandonment by former friends,
conflicts with the ex, double Christmases, meaningless sex, all are a part of
the single scene for some folks. If it was so attractive, why do most
divorced people want to re-marry?
- How do I feel about being a “divorcee”? There is often a stigma and emotional baggage to the status. How will I be treated by my friends, my church, my family. Will I be “damaged goods”?
- Am I or my spouse acting out physical, emotional, or sexual abuse? Some decisive action may be required to provide safety. Intensive treatment for both parties is required to promote healing. Professional guidance is essential and divorce must be carefully considered.
- Are addictions a part of my marital relationship? Addictive agents including drugs, alcohol, sex, work, religion, rage, perfectionism, etc. bring damage to family members. If the abuser is unable or unwilling to make changes, divorce may be necessary.
- Have I acquired a “significant other”?
Is my desire to get a divorce based solely on the dynamics of my marriage or am I being influenced by sympathy, encouragement, sex, pressure, or guilt that relates to a third party? Experts recommend that you wait at least two years before re-marrying to have adequate time for healing.
- What will be the financial cost? Divorce is an expensive venture. If lawyers are involved, those costs are immediate and substantial. Since women on average make less money than men, the wife is left with a lower standard of living and must find a job to support herself. Child support payments are insufficient for living and may be erratic. The party paying child support likely will be paying 20-40 % of income and will be supporting two households.
- What will be the emotional cost? Divorce is the end of a special relationship and no matter how bad the marriage, there will be some grief to deal with. Going to the mall, church, or other places where there are couples can be excruciatingly painful. The term heartsick comes to mind. Like being homesick it can be terribly painful. Many people try to cover up the pain by jumping into a new relationship or going from bed to bed but that causes additional problems in the healing process. Aloneness can also relate to the absent children. Not being there for the normal childhood events and knowing that “some other person” in the form of a step-parent will be seeing their kids more than they will, becomes quite real when the dust settles.
- How will he children be affected? Authorities report that over 25 percent of children develop big emotional problems after a divorce. Drugs, alcohol, dropping out of school, pregnancies, are all too common in post-divorce children. Quarreling, backbiting, and acrimony between the parents exacerbate the problem.
- What is the effect of a father-absent home?
Professionals agree that families with both parents are stronger. Research reveals that mother- only families move more frequently, the adolescents are more likely to be sexually active, more likely to commit delinquent acts, and have poorer grade performance. Many dads stop visiting their children two or three years after the divorce- the pain is so great that it hurts less to avoid the kids than to see them for their weekend visit.
- How does this action fit in with my spiritual convictions?
Divorce is a major step for Christians because it is inconsistent with God’s stated wish for His people although God does not take a rigid stance against it. If Christians believe that divorce is wrong, they must struggle with how it fits into their Christian beliefs. Am I sinning? Will God forgive me? Is it acceptable to remarry according to the bible? Am I able to forgive myself or will I live with guilt and shame before the Lord? Will divorce change my position at church? What does God want me to do?
- How would divorce affect my parenting effectiveness?
Clearly if I am around my children less, (non-custodial parent 42%)
opportunity to teach, love, mentor, discipline, punish, encourage,
monitor, correct, & instruct them will be more limited. Is my spouse skilled enough to pick up the slack or is spouse too stern or too permissive. Will the kids use the separation to play each of us against the other? Will the kids resent me for perceived abandonment or for making them feel tainted?
13 How will I handle the pain?
Leaving a bad marriage can be as painful as having a loved one die. People must work through the healing stages of divorce. There will be changes in friendships: Some friends will go with spouse, some will disappear completely. The relationship with your parents and children will be different. There will be lonely nights and weekends and just plain inner heartache.
14 Did my parents set the stage for this divorce?
Faulty role models and divorced parents add to the probability of your divorcing. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, are your expectations regarding your spouse’s role and the marriage relationship realistic? Abused children often later in life abuse their spouses and children. Discovering and working out a negative emotional pattern usually requires therapy and intense introspection.
15 Do I understand myself and my role in the decline of the relationship?
A coffee cup is in my hand at this moment with the following inscription, ”The man who smiles when things go wrong- has thought of someone he can blame it on” Too often people see quite clearly the faults of spouse and sincerely believe that everything would be fine if spouse would just change. We think our only major mistake is in selecting the wrong spouse. In truth, we select a spouse who has the same faults as our cross parent and /or whose personality will allow us to continue to act out our own subtle dysfunctional tendencies.
- Can I avoid repeating my mistakes in the next relationship?
Many divorced people repeat the identical messy pattern they had tried to escape by divorcing. The woman’s first husband was a wife beater; her second husband was a wife beater; her boyfriend is a wife beater. She wonders, “Are all men wife beaters or am I attracted to wife beaters?” Even when people are aware of their negative patterns, it is easy to be attracted to a person who reinforces their negative side and has the very traits they said they abhorred.
- Am I willing to commit to one year of serious effort at the relationship
before I make a final decision?
It takes time to sort things out, and we nor our spouses, do not change quickly. When trust has been violated, it takes time to rebuild it. Committing to at least a year can help bring some stability and reduce the mental see-saw of I’m going to stay..…..no I’m going to leave………no I’m going to stay which perplexes both spouses. If a couple works seriously at the marriage for a year under the direction of a family counselor, they will have a good idea if they can make it work.
- Have I tried counseling?
Counseling is no magic cure, but it provides a safe place for discussion of marriage concerns. Counseling is an avenue that will help to clarify the problems and if a person does divorce, counseling will help self-understanding and one’s own role in the marriage failure. Can’t afford counseling? It costs less than a divorce. Don’t want to tell your problems to a stranger? Rather talk to a lawyer?
- Which set of problems do you choose?
Remaining married will have its problems. Spouse and you are imperfect. Getting divorced will have its problems. We have just looked at several. Being single will have its problems. Single people have issues too. Remarriage will have problems. New people – new issues – new problems. Which set of problems do are you willing to accept?
- Once you decide, what’s next? If your decision is to remain married, then don’t go it alone, find a marriage counselor that is right for you. Do you prefer a male or female counselor? Young or old? Pastoral or psychology based? Employer contribution or insurance may be available.
If divorce is your decision we offer divorce coaching from the beginning to judge’s gavel. We can save you money, time and reduce the pain and acrimony. Both lawyer assisted and non lawyer service is available
Contributors to this article are
Donald E. Sloat, Ph. D. a licensed psychologist & author in Grand Rapids MI.
Jerrell J. Cosby, M. S. a divorce coach & mediator in Fort Worth, TX